Wishing I Could Bitch Slap All Of These Students

What I have the pleasure to present to my faithful readers today is a careful translation of something that's made us Brazilians LOL and LOAO for a couple of years now on the Internet: the stupidest answers given by the stupidest students ever on the national college entrance exam.

Their answers are in italic, their cringe-inducing mistakes in light blue (so that I don't have to spread [sic] throughout the entire post), and my comments are right below in bald. Enjoy!

Brazil has never had a female president, but many of the first-ladies were women.

(Many, but not all of them. The others were transsexuals.)

Vegetarian animals eat non-vegetarian ones.

(And I wonder what this little animal eats.)

Fidel Castro was the leader of the industrial revolution in 1917, which gave birth to communism in Russia.

(Tsk. Everyone knows that it was Mussolini, you silly, in 1990. Fidel was the one who destroyed the Berlin Wall - which divided China - in 1789)

Penha Church was built in the 16th sentury, but only in the 17th sentury was it taken to the top of Penha mountain.

(Well, obviously: it must take no less than a "sentury" to take a whole church from one place to another)

[Penha: a neighborhood in Rio de Janeiro]

History divides itself in 4: Ancient, Medieval, Momentaneous and Future, which is the most studied nowadays.

("Momentaneous History". I like it! How fugacious! I wonder what Proust would say!)

The indians sacrificed the children born dead, killing them as soon as they were born.
(I wish this guy had been born an indian)

Bigamy was a kind of car for gladiators, pulled by two horses.

(Three horses, actually: you and your two wives)
[I must add, here, that the word for the gladiators' chariot is "biga" in Portuguese, hence the mistake. Still, quite different things! It still takes a complete dumbass to confuse these two!]

The pagans didn't like it when God tried to preach his dotrines, and had the idea of eliminating Him from Heaven. 

(You can never accuse the pagans of not dreaming big)

The capital of Argentina is Buenos Dias.

(During the day. At night, it's "Buenas Noches")

The birds have a tooth in their mouths called beak.

(Holy crap! This is nightmare fuel right here!)

Atheism is an anonymous religion practiced in hiding. In Nero's time, the atheist Romans got together to pray in the Christian catatombs.

(If Roman atheists's gradmothers were like mine, no wonder they were anonymous. And in hiding. God knows I still hide from my grandma! Do they have an acronym or something? Like AA: Atheists Anonymous. Do you have to be Roman to join?)

The egiptians developped the art of the mummies so that the dead could live more.

(This guy should "developp" his brain.)

The optic nerve sends luminous ideas to the brain.

(And this guy definitely doesn't have the optic nerve.)

Human Geography studies the man we live in.
(It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.!!!)

The northeast of Brazil is rarely irrigated by the rain of frequent floods.

(Wait, what?) 

There are more than 100,000 paved railways in the EUA.
(Can I go back in time and NOT read that?!)

The stars exist to enlighten the night, and there are no stars during the day because the sun would burn them.
(I gotta tell you: I loved this one. Talk about a poet in the making!)

The do Minican Republic and Aiti are countries in Central America Island.
(Newspaper ad: "Desperately need a ge Ographic Atlas. Must come with a dick Tionary")

Hormones are the sexual cells of male men.
(And the sexual cells of female men are called "heteromones")

The earth is one of the most well-known and populated planets in the world. Other less demographic planets are: Mercury, Venus, Mars, Moon and other four that I knew but as I forgot their names and it's time to finish the test, you won't wait for me to remember, will you ma'am? But I hope you won't give me a bad grade because of that, because everyone forgets their memory at home eventually, don't they?
(I even cried reading this one: this was so very Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind! Everyone should, indeed, leave their memories at home, at least once in their lives. This is beautiful. Another poet in the making, no doubt!)

How dare anyone say the future of this nation is in the hands of today's youth? Heaven forbid.