Sunday, September 27, 2009

Wanting (to be)

OneRepublic: not the greatest band in the world - for me, their songs are pretty much all alike; not to mention the stuff frontman Ryan Tedder writes for all those female singers. And they're all alike too, no matter what he says about the whole "Halo x Already Gone" saga (and YES, the songs DO sound the same...). But I gotta say: I love Leona's Bleeding Love.
Anyway: OneRepublic's not the greatest band, nor the most original (And let's face it: Apologize has just been too overtly played on the radio for anyone to even bear the sound of it ever again...); it doesn't matter, I still like their songs - particularly Stop and Stare. The song's catchy, specially the chorus, and I truly enjoy the lyrics. And there's this verse, "You start to wonder why you're here not there", that got me thinking.
So true, isn't it?
We do it everyday: we wonder why this and not that, here and not there, she and not me, there and not here... we're never satisfied with where we are, what we do and who we are. We always want more.
Now that's not so bad! I think one's gotta have ambitions, gotta want to go places, see people and do stuff. I'm right there with ya! Not so keen on the idea on wanting to BE something else, though. Don't ever aim at being someone else. Aim at being a better you, at being good. At least, the best you can be. That's what life is, or should be, all about.

"I want to be good" (Billy Crudup as Fielding Pierce in Waking the dead)

"I want to be a good person" (Johnny Depp as Gibert in What’s eating Gilbert Grape)

(Credits to Iris H. who wrote a wonderful post on that:

Some people say As Good As It Gets is overrated; I don't think so, I think that's a kick-ass movie. And Nicholson's got this line which is downright perfect - and anyone who's ever watched it will know which one it is before even reading it, cus it's just so obvious:
"You make me want to be a better man" (Jack Nicholson as Melvin Udall)
Man, that's great! Cheesy? Yeah, totally - so what? Let's not underrate cheesy... still works everytime!
And he who's never had someone that made him wanna be a better man is just a sad person.
I have. I still do. Some have grown apart, some have gone away, some were like a summer breeze, never meant to last, whereas others have come to stay.

I've got this Tuesdays and Thursdays best friend, M.H. (he's my best friend everyday, but he's only available on these specific days, and some lucky Wednesdays, lol). I wish I was as intelligent and sharp as him. While he's a master, I'm still a young padawan with a long way to go...
I wish I was as responsible, intelligent and talented as Tri. Talk about an inspiration.
I wish I was as outgoing and just plain NICE as Na. What a freakingly nice girl! Something hard to come by nowadays, let alone be. She's the real thing.
As sensible and clear-sighted as Ma. Hope it rubs off!
As studious and responsible as Ch.
As calm and collected as G.
As silent, good and firm in his convictions as Canadian M.
As detached from the shallow as these last two.
As perceptive and gentle as Jo.

I just wanna be good.
And most of all, I wanna stop wanting to be and just... be.


And people still wonder why I loathe the heat and sun of RJ... would you just take a look at the city I grew up in? Now THAT'S a nice weather!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Answering II

The goal here is to answer these (at times dramatic) questions using only names of songs by ONE singer/band - and without repeating the titles!
Let's see:

Pick Your Artist:

Are you a male or female:
Little Sister

Describe yourself:
I'm Sensitive

How do you feel:

Describe where you currently live:
The New Wild West

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:

Your favorite form of transportation:
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (I've never taken it, but I sure would love to!!!)

Your best friend is:
Fragile Heart

You and your best friends are:

What’s the weather like:
Winter Wonderland

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
I Wonder As I Wander

What is life to you:
Circle Song

Your fear:
Standing Still

What is the best advice you have to give:
Everybody Needs Someone Sometime

How I would like to die:
Sweet Dreams For You

My soul’s present condition:
Deep Water

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Growing Up (or: Down Memory Lane)

Thursday, September 17, 2009


... will ya?

Sunday, September 13, 2009


There's a playground close to my house - but, due to my working hours, I've only seen it empty so far. And something about it bothers me beyond description; an empty playground encloses, for me, the saddest of all images: empty swings.
Have u ever seen one? I mean, really SEEN it? Gently swinging to the wind at times, and at others standing still in time, waiting for that which brings meaning to its existence. (But aren't we all?)
Such an image makes me feel hollow - and I absolutely hate it. We're supposed to be feeling beings. But every now and then I feel a complete void. There are certain moments when I feel completely numb, when I try to name that feeling, and only find emptiness in there. I try to grasp at it, and it eludes me.
It always happens when I see empty places. Places that once were not empty, that were once full of me - and now are just... places. Nude of what made me love them.

For example, the door of my building.
Every morning I go out the door and think to myself that never again will G. show up from that direction, riding his bicycle all the way from Laranjeiras just to see me. Wonder how long this morning feeling will last. (Will he be able to ride a bike there?...)

And that classroom, where I teach everyday.
The very same G. will never sit there again, right in front of me, paying attention to my every move, staring at me with those ridiculously drawing green eyes that did not allow me to look at anyone else - except, of course, that I had to; pointedly giving his opinion on just about everything (and, most of the time, blaming it on religion, whatever issue was being discussed at the time). Nor will he make his unexpected jokes with his blazé airs and pale smile. Hope everything works out well for him on the other side of the world. All in all, I think he deserves it (for all of us deserve to find ourselves). L. won't be there as well, standing shyly aside, blushing easily at my jokes, with his wholehearted laughter and opinions-in-formation, given in his perfect English, making me proud at every word uttered. He will, I'm sure, get where he wants to - he just needs to be patient. U know, the whole talk about Rome and how long it did NOT take to be built... S. won't either. (Calling her S. made me feel like in a "Gossip Girl" book/episode...). No more S. with her calm, good-humored, well thought-of opinions - which usually were the exact opposite of G's. Will she go back to England someday? Will she have a child? Will she do well on her Master's?

When I get to work, I gotta pass by M.R.'s office, where she'll never sit again - completely focused on whatever it was she was doing, and yet, capable of answering phones, giving information, telling people off and organizing cards, all at the same time. Making her presence undoubtedly felt, without going through the trouble of saying a single word. Being strict, and loved all the more for that. Being kind and protective of you, if need be. Being a leader like few.
(My lack of belief stops me from believing she's somewhere better. But then again, I do not believe she's nowhere. And my lack of curiosity stops me from wondering where she actually is.)

There's a certain table at work, of which head Na. does not sit at anymore - with her big smile and her cheerful "Wooohoooo!", that both amazed me for its sincerity and at the same time completely drained the little energy I had struggled to pluck up from the very inside of me, in order to teach at 7 in the morning... (lol, if anyone can be fine wherever they are, she's the one! I worry not about her).

Every week I have to drop by my old college. Even though I hate that place now, I used to love it like a home. But everything that made it home to me is also gone. And the good memories I had with them, well, they're all covered in shit now, to be quite honest. Never again will Ni. and I have lunch there - nor wander around the halls, skipping boring classes. Nor will he keep me company while I wait for my bus to Laranjeiras.
(He, too, deserves to be okay - but only after figuring out an awful lot by himself. And I actually doubt he will...)

Speaking of Laranjeiras: there's a certain window from which I won't lean out again - nor my grandma or anyone else in the family. A window which had been in the clan for almost 50 years, out of which all of us were stopped from leaning when toddlers - from my 55 year-old dad to my 11 year-old cousin. (And all of them are just fine, thank u very much. In fact, they're in the most blissed state possible to a human being: ignorance. They do not suffer from TMI. Could they be any better off?)

Going down P.A.G. Street is another empty moment, now that J.'s gone. And for me, back then, he was the most important one among them all. (No idea where he is now, he's been to so many places already, in such a little time. But word is he's okay).

And whenever I picture the house I grew up in, the first thing I see is the garage - cute with its red tiles, open and spacious. That was R.'s favorite dwelling. I had only to show up at the other side of the white gate for him to come running like a lightning, all the way from the back of the house, along the garage and straight into my arms, completely dirtying the white t-shirt of my uniform. M. won't open those double doors ever again at the first sound of D.'s car - cus D. does not drive that old piece of junk anymore, and does not park his current one there either (and none of us will ever be quite as okay. Excpet for R., I'm sure he's alright; after all, "All Dogs Go to Heaven").

I wonder where all those people have gone.

Monday, September 7, 2009


I can't say why it happens only to some people and not to others. Some just have the amazing/saddening capacity of not falling for/being esnlaved by a certain feeling, or thing, thought, person, memory.
It's an inate ability of letting yourself dive so deeply into something that you end up not knowing how to get out of it. Be it to something harmless, such as a certain kind of medicinal tea, or to something a little bit more than that.
It doesn't really matter why it happens - it just matters that it does.

She's the addicted one, whereas he's Addiction itself, holding its grip on her.

They're apart. He's standing there, nothing nor no one in his arms - but they're still wide open to welcome her. And she, who was so far from him, finds herself running desperately towards him, grasping at him. The moment she gets there he smiles, pleased. And starts working his fascination over her. She offers no resistance, and is like a puppet in his hands. After playing with her for a couple of seconds, he grabs her with the greatest of ease, and places her exactly where he wants her.
She has no will of her own so far - she'd wanted that. Take a good look at her face: it shows nothing but weariness.
And she keeps on moving according to his commands; he keeps on smiling, it's just too easy. He places her there, she's standing on the tip of her unbalanced toes, on her weakened legs. When he grabs her once again, she's the picture of despair. She knows she should fight it off - but has not the strength. And he drags her around, working her body at his will; we can barely see her face - does she even have one at this point?
She strived to offer a shadow of resistance - useless, he had her the way he wanted. She gives it up, and he seduces her, feeling the body that is, at that point, completely his.
He embraces his victim, and then silences her. She takes his hands off her mouth. Indifferent, he moves his grip of her to another part of her body. Again, she takes his hands off of her. He insists on holding her - she starts to fight him off, she feels he has too much control over her already. But as she repels him, he keeps coming back. And the few glimpses we can catch of her face are sheer suffering.
At lenght, she tries to run away from him, but he's too fast for her - or perhaps she's become too slow. He immediately grabs her and hurls her. As she's trying to stand up on her own, he's there already by her side, quick and smooth, embracing her. She lets go of his embrace - but falls. It's hard for her to get back on her feet all by herself. She gets up: there he is, time and time again, now making a barrier, so she won't be able to pass. She tries to break it, using the little strength she's got, but it works not. On the contrary: she's the one to bounce back - and he has her again in his arms. He blinds her, as she's struggling to be free. They have a sort of little fight, and she even attempts to strike back at him - though he averts it quite well.
They fall, and stand up right away in perfect synchrony - only to fall on the floor once again, this time from a greater height. They're one and the same.
She tries once more: gets up, and runs. She's trying to resurface, and reaches out. One hand, both hands.
He holds her arm, and stops her. Easily, single-handedly. She won't be able to get out. He smiles.
Her face is Pain.

She loses her balance, but he's there to support her. He's what keeps her from utterly falling at this moment. Always smiling, he grabs her neck and swings her - she doesn't even look alive. Except that she does: she comes back to life once more, and gets herself out - he doesn't let her go, giving her only space enough to move more comfortably. She stretches, he silences her again. She tries to avoid it, but can't, really.
He's one more time grabbing her body, and silencing her. She frees herself from his grip, at last - and leaves him. But he doesn't stop smiling, and leaves his arm the way she's left it: wide open. They're exactly where they started - apart.
He knows she'll be back.

Gravity (Sara Bareilles)
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am, and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me, and all over me
I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see that you're
Everything I think I need here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe, though I
Can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
Keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me
And all over...

Friday, September 4, 2009


My favorite book of all time: The Three Musketeers, by Alexander Dumas. My favorite character: Athos, the oldest and most circumspect out of the four. My favorite quote, at the very end of the novel:

"I shall then have no more friends," said the young man. "Alas! nothing but bitter recollections." And he let his head sink upon his hands, while two large tears rolled down his cheeks. "You are young," replied Athos; "and your bitter recollections have time to change themselves into sweet remembrances."

D'Artagnan is the youngest among them, and the most inexperienced in the ways of love, politics and war - that is, life itself. Entangled in his youth, he's mourning everything he's come to lose, category that 2 of his 3 friends are soon to join in - Aramis is going to a monastery (finally), and Porthos is getting married.
And then Athos jumps in with all his wisdom, granted by the gods and enhanced by life, and imparts a little of it. This is a great line, in my opinion; I've always loved it - even when I was too young to understand it to a fuller extent.
Now: even though I've always had to coexist with bitter recollections (just like everyone else, I should say), I think this is the first time that I'm actually coming to realize how true these words are.
For I couldn't remember G.'s face or voice without being either angry or unhappy. And I couldn't remember M.R.'s face or voice without being depressed and feeling like crap.
But today I thought of both - and I smiled.
They're gone, true; but I'm the lucky one who got to have them at all.
It's not bitter anymore, just... bittersweet. Not far from just sweet, is it?

Thank u - to both of u.

I'll sleep tighter tonight.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009



Gloria in excelsis Deo
laudamus te
Kyrie eleison
agnus Dei

Gloria in excelsis Deo
Christe eleison
laudamus te
agnus Dei

Crucifixus et resurrexit
dona nobis pacem

Gloria in excelsis Deo
laudamus te
Kyrie eleison
agnus Dei

Gloria in excelsis Deo
Christe eleison
laudamus te
agnus Dei

Crucifixus et resurrexit
dona nobis pacem

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Brahm's Lullaby

Lullaby and good night
In the sky stars are bright
May the moon’s silvery beams
Bring you sweet dreams

Close your eyes now and rest
May these hours be blessed
‘Til the sky's bright with dawn
When you wake with a yawn

Lullaby and good night
You are mother’s delight
I’ll protect you from harm
And you’ll wake in my arms

Sleepyhead, close your eyes
For I’m right beside you
Guardian angels are near
So sleep without fear

Lullaby and good night
With roses bedight
Lilies o'er head
Lay thee down in thy bed

Lullaby and good night
You are mother’s delight
I’ll protect you from harm
And you’ll wake in my arms

Lullaby and sleep tight
My darlings sleeping
On sheets white as cream
With a head full of dreams

Sleepyhead, close your eyes
I’m right beside you
Lay thee down now and rest
May your slumber be blessed

Go to sleep, little one
Think of puppies and kittens
Go to sleep, little one
Think of butterflies in spring

Go to sleep, little one
Think of sunny bright mornings
Hush darling one
Sleep through the night...

Sleep tight