Reviewing A Review

Roaming through IMDB, my BFF stumbled into this wonderful film review - she was looking for Tim Burton movies, and unfortunately, this is what she found! Or... fortunately?! I mean, we couldn't have gone on with our lives not knowing about this. The movie itself is worthy of attention - but the review... it was written by "animaging", from The United States - whom, I'm guessing, was in the habit of skipping a whooole lotta English classes!.He lacks grammar, spelling, punctuation and... story-telling skills in general. But he's a very obliging person: he explains why the scenes are funny or the actors "work so well together". He explains everything - except for the movie itself. And his parenthesis, which he uses loosely. Hence, I saw it as my duty to bring this to my faithful 19 readers. I realize it's a huge post, but I didn't see what more I could write off, really. I stuck only to the essential - believe you me! So read this if you've got some good 20 minutes to spare. But you won't regret it: this movie involves surfers, cat fight (I mean, between women. Not real cats, you know), misterious Businessmen, a GURU, zombies and a flying head. Yeah. A flying head. A famous flying head. (Cue drum roll).

animaging, a tip: when a foreigner criticizes your English - you, who seems to be American... man, that's just rock bottom for ya. 

On to the review of the movie Luau.

(animaging's review are in bold and italic, with my comments right below.) 

What makes a "cult classic" is that to the average public nobody would know the actors in this movie!
Really? That's what makes a "cult classic"??

But, what the public doesn't know is that these actors do know each other and it plays out well here. Bob, beach comer, (Mike Gabriel), you made this film a hit you were well cast and really great! Especially, (Sue Kroyer) bouncing around during the titles, some really old, 60's worn film out of focus stuff.
Well I'm guessing, by the name LUAU, that it all takes place on a beach - hence, I assume all the characters are beach comers, not only Bob. But hey, I might be out on a limb here, of course! And why's Sue Kroyer's name in parenthesis?! And why was she "bouncing around during the titles"?? How disturbing... 

Really the main story point hovers on the beach GURU guy "Kahuna", (Phil Young), who at the Luau Party becomes dis drought [sic] over the same "Luau" parties all the time and wants to make a big change for himself. "Man! It's just one big gigantic brain fry!" Kahuna,(Phil) proclaims. He now declares that he will be known as "Vladamir [sic] Moon face Junior"! It is an epiphany for him!
As I read this sentence, I could hear a thousand English teachers cringing all over the world... first of all, as one reads on, one realizes that this Kahuna guy is so not the main story point... In fact, the whole story seems pointless... and animaging also fails to explain why Kahuna is a GURU. And... why he decides to be called "Vladamir Moon face Junior". (I think, I THINK, he was going for Vladimir, but never mind that, so many things to mention, this one is a lesser evil...). Talk about random, hu? Well, since there's a "junior" in the end of the name, the only possible logical conclusion is that this is his father's name as well.  Not that logical conclusions apply here. Icing on the cake: that's his epiphany. Virgina Woolf is certainly shedding a proud tear somewhere...

Another story element is the flying UFO HEAD known as the "Supreme Being" (a.k.a.) "Mortie",(Tim Burton) that hypnotizes the great character (Joe Ranft), "I.Q." and others into zombies.
Wow, there are so many things wrong in this sentence, where should I begin?... Ok: if we know it's a head, then it's def not an UFO (UNIDENTIFIED flying object) - maybe an IFH (Identified Flying Head)? Or does it come from an UFO? I'm confused... but who isn't at this point?... Noteworthy: the HEAD is played by none other than Tim Burton himself! You can see him/his flying head on the pic on the left. Oh, the horror!... I mean, have you seen him?! Man alive... only Helena Bonham-Carter would wanna have children with him... and again, why's "a.k.a." inside the parenthesis and his name out? Well, all of that is petty, compared to the fact that the HEAD hypnotizes the great character I.Q. and others into zombies. Oh: the flying UFO HEAD, this Supreme Being, his name's Mortie. Great name choice. I mean, it does give scope to his alien-ness. It doesn't strike me as a doorman's name at all.

Now, I'd like to give my readers time to let this particular bit sink in reeeeeeally well:

the flying UFO HEAD known as the "Supreme Being" (a.k.a.) "Mortie",(Tim Burton)

Yep. We're talking about Tim Burton's fucking flying HEAD. It's Tim Burton's HEAD. And it's flying. It's called "Supreme Being" - and it's flying. Tim Burton's flying head; I didn't even know those words could ever belong in the same sentence.

"Mortie" eventually is at the center of the story at the "Luau", who makes a challenge for a surfing contest between himself "Mortie", (Tim Burton) and "Bob" (Mike Gabriel) the beach boy surfer guy.
I'm glad that animaging explained that the "who" contained here was referring to "Mortie" and not to "Luau" - that wasn't very clear. Under normal circumstances, there shouldn't be any confusion as to such a topic, but here... "Bob" has evolved from beach comer to beach boy surfer guy. And "beach boy surfer guy" is not redundant at all, for there are tons of other places where a guy could surf. Obviously. And why are their names inside quotation marks? Are they pseudonyms, then? I get that Mortie might not really be the HEAD's name - but why is the beach boy surfer guy using a pseudonym? And... the luau isn't a real luau?! What the f*** is it? Wtf is going on around here?! And more important: can a flying HEAD surf????

So, there is also a ZEN connection between the Beach GURU "Kahuna" and "Bob" the greatest surfer who wins the accolades of the beach surfers. Bob (Mike G.) contemplates this ZEN experience of surfing while his two girlfriends "Arlene" (Sue Frankenburger) and "Princess Yakamoshi" (Terri Hamada) do some sexy sand wrestling, with some great footage.
What. Is. a ZEN connection??? Why is beach comer/beach boy surfer guy Bob's second girlfriend's name Princess Yakamoshi??! (That sentence was confusing as hell, it's rubbing off on me...). And why is his first girlfriend's name Frankenburger?! Oh, wait...

Come to find out both weren't acting and really did have it out with each other for keeps.
Oh, the scandal!!!

Oh!, and a really stealer performance sequence is with "Little Stevie "Ray" Wonder", played by (Louis Tate) and a really funny song or two played to the beach people. This film from beginning to end has bouncy hit songs throughout and makes it fun to watch let alone being slightly out of focus.
WHO'S little Stevie RAY Wonder? What are "funny songs"?? Are they anything like "funny brownies"??? That would be the only thing making sense here, given it's a "funny movie" - got it? I'm a little afraid of what animaging calls "bouncy hit songs", now that I understand what he calls "cult classic movies"... and I didn't quite get what is "slightly out of focus": the bouncy hit songs? The story? Me, after reading this crap?!

And, then the business men (...)
HOLD ON. Hold it right there, mister. What business men [sic]???? Notice that animaging fully expects us to know who these businessmen are - for he calls them THE businessmen. They're neither unidentified businessmen nor random, otherwise animaging would've used no article at all. But no. animaging wants to convey the idea that these men have been there this whole time, watching Kahuna's epiphanies, Bob's surfing, his women's cat fight, and the HEAD's surfing. Also noteworthy: the HEAD, who's got 3 different names, is an unidentified object, whereas these men are not. We know exactly who they are. Ok, cool, all caught up now. Moving on with the "plot":

And, then the business men [sic] set up an office on the beach and a scene cuts in, "Hey, you kids got to keep it quite around here! We're trying to conduct a business meeting!" It's funny because this scene cuts in unexpectedly and is so confrontational.
Our good old pals Businessmen set up an office at the beach. And were trying to conduct a business meeting DURING A LUAU/SURFING COMPETITION, and while a flying head is reaching for world domination, by turning everyone around into zombies and making them all surf. Sure. It IS the sensible thing to be done after all. And animaging is, again, far too kind, obligingly explaining to us why all of this is funny. Thank you! But how could one not realize how funny it is? It's SO unexpected and SO confrontational! Who doesn't think "unexpected and confrontational" is funny?! WTflyingF***?!

I think that, at this point, even animaging is starting to get a little baffled by his own narration, and tries to sum it all up:
All in all the Businessmen want to make "Bob" (Mike G.) and the other surfers comply to a contract over the beach front property for real estate.
So beach comer/beach boy surfer guy Bob owns the beach then? Ahhh, but only the beach front!

This eventually leads up to a big beach brawl somewhat defused when Joe Lansisero's mother invites everyone into her home for lunch.
"This eventually leads up to a big beach brawl". You mean: "This FATALLY leads up to a motherfucking huge beach brawl"!!! But it all goes away when Joe Lansisero --- eh? Who's Joe Lansisero? I repeat: who the hell is Joe Lansisero?!? Where did this guy come from?? Is he a beach comer? Another Guru? One of the girlfriends? Another flying head? One of the Businessmen?!? Only an illegal immigrant?! Well, he's certainly not important - the point is that his mother invites everyone for lunch. Does that include Tim Burton's flying head??? You know, the one who's transforming everyone into zombies? Did Joe Lansisero's mother realize he was... well... a flying head?? Did anyone remark upon that?! Didn't it strike anyone as slightly eerie? What's wrong with those people?!? Man, businessmen would be the least of my problems if I were being transformed into a zombie and forced to surf by Tim Burton's flying head! And apparently, it all happens before lunch.

When the surf contest was won by Bob (Mike G.), the deal was that "The Supreme Being" - (Tim Burton) would take on the body of "I.Q." (Joe Ranft), since "Supreme Being" played by (Tim Burton) had only a HEAD, he (Tim Burton) now becomes "Mortie" (Tim) with a total body!
Naive me. I thought the surf contest had been called off - you know, due to all the sexy wrestling, the brawls over beach real state and that minor problem of zombies. But nooooooo! It was still going on! And of course Bob won! Everyone else was paying attention to all the aforementioned setbacks, while the little motherfucker remained there, surfing and ZEN connecting to Kahuna - who, let's not forget, is the MAIN story point! I keep forgetting that, for some reason...
Now: why was I.Q.'s body being battled over? And it wasn't even the winner's prize - it was for he who lost the competition! I wish I knew what I.Q. looks like - he must be one fugly son of a bitch.

But what really matters is that Mortie now has a "total body".

"Mother Lansisero" makes a cream pie for I.Q.,(Joe Ranft) who she thinks is "Mortie", but is really "Supreme Being" (Tim Burton), who now takes on the body of "I.Q." to "pie in your face hypnotize" the businessmen and their thinking to drop the idea of wanting surfer beach.
I cannot make head or tail of this sentence, really. I assume that when animaging said "Mortie" he actually meant "I.Q." - cause assuming he did get it right is assuming I didn't understand what I thought I had so far. If I believe Mortie and Supreme Being are not the same... err... "person", than I think my (non-flying) head's going to explode. Calling attention to the "pie in your face hypnotize" seems petty by now, as my BFF was kind enough to tell me. But we do wonder how it works. We just know it works on the Businessmen AND their thinking. Hehe, "Mother Lansisero"... We know more about her than about Joe: apparently, she cooks and makes pies, and doesn't mind flying heads. As long as they're identified. And have a nice, true American-sounding name, like Mortie.

Really: my brains, all over the wall.

And who's Joe Lansisero?

But, we didn't forget about "Kahuna", i.e., "Vladamir Moon face Junior", (Phil Young)(...)
No, we didn't! We did not forget him, the main story point - but not thanks to you, animaging...

But, we didn't forget about "Kahuna", i.e., "Vladamir Moon face Junior", (Phil Young) he is the greatest surfer dude GURU!
The ending. . . the beach parties go on . . . h.e.e.e.e.e.e.r.e.s . . . "Vladamir Moon face Junior".
Why is VladAmir the greatest surfer? Didn't Bob win the competition? Oh no, my bad: VladAmir's the greatest surfer dude GURU! Completely different. Does Tim Burton's flying head achieve world domination?! What happens to the zombified surfers? And Arlene and Princess Yakamoshi? And poor I.Q., who had his fugly body taken away from him? Do The Businessmen ever go through with their business meeting?! Why did animaging separate "here's" with full stops?!

And WHO'S JOE LANSISERO???

And you know what? You know what? This mind-boggling movie is 31 minutes long.
And I sure as hell wanna see it!

Written with the collaboration of BFF M.Ulyssea.
(Who'd also really like to know who Joe Lansisero is.)