Thursday, January 28, 2010

Emptying II

I wrote a while ago this post about feeling empty. And by "a while ago", I mean Septemeber... much longer ago than it actually feels. Well, fair enough I guess, when you have a depressing month like that, you just wanna erase it from your memory.
On the original post I mentioned that we humans are supposed to be feeling beings, we're not meant to feel void or hollow, sensation I simply can't stand.
I'd thought lately that something significant was going to happen. Turns out it won't. Then, I thought I was gonna be upset about it. Turns out I won't - I'm pretty much indifferent. Which is good, on the one hand, since it means not getting hurt. On the other, however, it's a horrible feeling. I'd much rather hate or feel hurt by something or someone than being indifferent to its happening/existence.
Indifference = void.
On a completely distinct side of my life: I've always known exactly what I was gonna do for a living. I still do, what I chose to do is the best option for me; it's simple Math, really: some of my earliest, greatest passions + stuff I'm actually good at + the pathetic recognition my sad little ego longs for + an actual income, approved by society = a perfectly good, honest living!
And yet... now that I'm getting closer to it, now that I gotta put all my energy into it... the prospect of it just leaves me completely lukewarm. And my desires stray at random.
I thought that perhaps my passions had changed, but they haven't as far as I can see.. Perhaps I... don't want a perfectly good, honest living?... I should consider turning to the wrong side of the law! Gotta live on the edge, that's what I always say!
It's just that my sad little ego doesn't long for that recognition anymore... which , hey, is awesome! Talk about growth. But now what? We should always reach out for Greatness, and not settle for anything less. But what do you do when your own concepts of Greatness change dramatically? (What a bad timing for growth!)
Maybe my brother is right after all. I should just be content with f***, eating and sleeping... The problem with his theory is that it completely goes against mine: we gotta feel things. Otherwise, there's no point in f***, eating and sleeping! ("f***"? I'm much more of a prude than I thought... Grams is gonna be so proud!)
Where's the fire, the joy, the pain, the tears? I want them all! Even if it's just to hurt again.


ambiguous_angel said...

nice blog you have here:)