Belonging (or: On Fairy-Tales)

A new point of view, a fight, a casual conversation and BANG! There you have it, your idea.

I'd run out of ideas, hence my not writing here for a little while. Hard to be a genius 24/7, after all. But here it is, a new egg has finally hatched.
Speaking of hatching eggs... I assume everyone knows the story of the ugly duckling? It's always been my favorite fairy-tale. I pretty much learnt how to read because of it.
So let's skip the whole narration. My point is: the morale of it all can be well summed up as "never judge a book by its cover", "for beauty is found within". But I also look at it as "birds of the same feather flock together". Literally.
But it's really hard to find your flock, ain't it?...
We never know what we'll grow up to be. And then, not knowing we do not fit in, we try to hang out with whomever's around, and in our not wanting to be alone, we mind not the huge differences between them and us. Heck, we even try to live among those who are drastically different from us, like day and... a sandwich. But their powers of observation do not fail them, they notice it. And they mock you out of their lives. (Ok, that sounds a little like bullying...). They scorn you, and you decide to leave. Henceforth, you'll be alone, for being in society has obviously not worked out well for you.
But you can't help envying the ones who have their pack. Or flock. Or covey, herd, cohort, whichever collective noun comes to your mind. Point is, you ask yourself why everyone seems to have a group where they belong, but not you.


Every other fairy-tale has already approached the subject: when The Beauty and the Beast starts (the Disney version, I mean, let's not get into the original Brother Grimm's tales, they can get rather gruesome...), Belle sings about finding a place where people understand her; in Hercules, the hero sings about a place "where a great, warm welcome will be waiting" for him, where "a voice keeps saying 'this is where I'm meant to be'." And finishes: "I will go most anywhere to feel like I belong". In Mulan, the heroine sings (hell, do they all sing?! Can't they just... I don't know, say it?), about not being able to play the perfect chinese daughter and bride. Not to mention Quasimodo, Victor Hugo's creation, distorted (a huge understatement!) by Disney almost 15 years ago - the hunchback hunted by the entire city of Paris just for being ugly, taking the ugly duckling complex to levels never dreamt before. And Esmeralda, hunted for an even lesser evil, if such a thing is possible: being a gipsy.
But Belle eventually finds ampler horizons; Hercules finally finds out about his olympic origins; Mulan joins the army (!), and gets a bow from the emperor himself. Quasimodo and Esmeralda are finally accepted by the parisian population (do NOT get me started on the humongous distortion here!).
And the ugly duckling, the one who made me all big-eyed and teary as a 5 year-old child, he too gets his happy ending: he gets to be in a flock of swans.


But before finding his flock, he had to adjust to the idea of being alone, and grow comfortable in his own skin.
Well, that sounds about right, given that all fable and fairy-tale animals resemble humans enormously.

Wanting (to be)

OneRepublic: not the greatest band in the world - for me, their songs are pretty much all alike; not to mention the stuff frontman Ryan Tedder writes for all those female singers. And they're all alike too, no matter what he says about the whole "Halo x Already Gone" saga (and YES, the songs DO sound the same...). But I gotta say: I love Leona's Bleeding Love.
Anyway: OneRepublic's not the greatest band, nor the most original (And let's face it: Apologize has just been too overtly played on the radio for anyone to even bear the sound of it ever again...); it doesn't matter, I still like their songs - particularly Stop and Stare. The song's catchy, specially the chorus, and I truly enjoy the lyrics. And there's this verse, "You start to wonder why you're here not there", that got me thinking.
So true, isn't it?
We do it everyday: we wonder why this and not that, here and not there, she and not me, there and not here... we're never satisfied with where we are, what we do and who we are. We always want more.
Now that's not so bad! I think one's gotta have ambitions, gotta want to go places, see people and do stuff. I'm right there with ya! Not so keen on the idea on wanting to BE something else, though. Don't ever aim at being someone else. Aim at being a better you, at being good. At least, the best you can be. That's what life is, or should be, all about.

"I want to be good" (Billy Crudup as Fielding Pierce in Waking the dead)

"I want to be a good person" (Johnny Depp as Gibert in What’s eating Gilbert Grape)

(Credits to Iris H. who wrote a wonderful post on that: http://www.hirideyo.com/journal/iris/2009/08/25/good)

Some people say As Good As It Gets is overrated; I don't think so, I think that's a kick-ass movie. And Nicholson's got this line which is downright perfect - and anyone who's ever watched it will know which one it is before even reading it, cus it's just so obvious:
"You make me want to be a better man" (Jack Nicholson as Melvin Udall)
Man, that's great! Cheesy? Yeah, totally - so what? Let's not underrate cheesy... still works everytime!
And he who's never had someone that made him wanna be a better man is just a sad person.
I have. I still do. Some have grown apart, some have gone away, some were like a summer breeze, never meant to last, whereas others have come to stay.

I've got this Tuesdays and Thursdays best friend, M.H. (he's my best friend everyday, but he's only available on these specific days, and some lucky Wednesdays, lol). I wish I was as intelligent and sharp as him. While he's a master, I'm still a young padawan with a long way to go...
I wish I was as responsible, intelligent and talented as Tri. Talk about an inspiration.
I wish I was as outgoing and just plain NICE as Na. What a freakingly nice girl! Something hard to come by nowadays, let alone be. She's the real thing.
As sensible and clear-sighted as Ma. Hope it rubs off!
As studious and responsible as Ch.
As calm and collected as G.
As silent, good and firm in his convictions as Canadian M.
As detached from the shallow as these last two.
As perceptive and gentle as Jo.

I just wanna be good.
And most of all, I wanna stop wanting to be and just... be.

Fogging

And people still wonder why I loathe the heat and sun of RJ... would you just take a look at the city I grew up in? Now THAT'S a nice weather!

Answering II

The goal here is to answer these (at times dramatic) questions using only names of songs by ONE singer/band - and without repeating the titles!
Let's see:

Pick Your Artist:
Jewel

Are you a male or female:
Little Sister

Describe yourself:
I'm Sensitive

How do you feel:
Haunted

Describe where you currently live:
The New Wild West

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Barcelona

Your favorite form of transportation:
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (I've never taken it, but I sure would love to!!!)

Your best friend is:
Fragile Heart

You and your best friends are:
Dreamer

What’s the weather like:
Winter Wonderland

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
I Wonder As I Wander

What is life to you:
Circle Song

Your fear:
Standing Still

What is the best advice you have to give:
Everybody Needs Someone Sometime

How I would like to die:
Sweet Dreams For You

My soul’s present condition:
Deep Water

Growing Up (or: Down Memory Lane)

Hibernating

... will ya?

Emptying

There's a playground close to my house - but, due to my working hours, I've only seen it empty so far. And something about it bothers me beyond description; an empty playground encloses, for me, the saddest of all images: empty swings.

Have u ever seen one? I mean, really SEEN it? Gently swinging to the wind at times, and at others standing still in time, waiting for that which brings meaning to its existence. (But aren't we all?)
Such an image makes me feel hollow - and I absolutely hate it. We're supposed to be feeling beings. But every now and then I feel a complete void. There are certain moments when I feel completely numb, when I try to name that feeling, and only find emptiness in there. I try to grasp at it, and it eludes me.
It always happens when I see empty places. Places that once were not empty, that were once full of me - and now are just... places. Nude of what made me love them.

For example, the door of my building.
Every morning I go out the door and think to myself that never again will G. show up from that direction, riding his bicycle all the way from Laranjeiras just to see me. Wonder how long this morning feeling will last. (Will he be able to ride a bike there?...)

And that classroom, where I teach everyday.
The very same G. will never sit there again, right in front of me, paying attention to my every move, staring at me with those ridiculously drawing green eyes that did not allow me to look at anyone else - except, of course, that I had to; pointedly giving his opinion on just about everything (and, most of the time, blaming it on religion, whatever issue was being discussed at the time). Nor will he make his unexpected jokes with his blazé airs and pale smile. Hope everything works out well for him on the other side of the world. All in all, I think he deserves it (for all of us deserve to find ourselves). L. won't be there as well, standing shyly aside, blushing easily at my jokes, with his wholehearted laughter and opinions-in-formation, given in his perfect English, making me proud at every word uttered. He will, I'm sure, get where he wants to - he just needs to be patient. U know, the whole talk about Rome and how long it did NOT take to be built... S. won't either. (Calling her S. made me feel like in a "Gossip Girl" book/episode...). No more S. with her calm, good-humored, well thought-of opinions - which usually were the exact opposite of G's. Will she go back to England someday? Will she have a child? Will she do well on her Master's?

When I get to work, I gotta pass by M.R.'s office, where she'll never sit again - completely focused on whatever it was she was doing, and yet, capable of answering phones, giving information, telling people off and organizing cards, all at the same time. Making her presence undoubtedly felt, without going through the trouble of saying a single word. Being strict, and loved all the more for that. Being kind and protective of you, if need be. Being a leader like few.
(My lack of belief stops me from believing she's somewhere better. But then again, I do not believe she's nowhere. And my lack of curiosity stops me from wondering where she actually is.)

There's a certain table at work, of which head Na. does not sit at anymore - with her big smile and her cheerful "Wooohoooo!", that both amazed me for its sincerity and at the same time completely drained the little energy I had struggled to pluck up from the very inside of me, in order to teach at 7 in the morning... (lol, if anyone can be fine wherever they are, she's the one! I worry not about her).

Every week I have to drop by my old college. Even though I hate that place now, I used to love it like a home. But everything that made it home to me is also gone. And the good memories I had with them, well, they're all covered in shit now, to be quite honest. Never again will Ni. and I have lunch there - nor wander around the halls, skipping boring classes. Nor will he keep me company while I wait for my bus to Laranjeiras.
(He, too, deserves to be okay - but only after figuring out an awful lot by himself. And I actually doubt he will...)

Speaking of Laranjeiras: there's a certain window from which I won't lean out again - nor my grandma or anyone else in the family. A window which had been in the clan for almost 50 years, out of which all of us were stopped from leaning when toddlers - from my 55 year-old dad to my 11 year-old cousin. (And all of them are just fine, thank u very much. In fact, they're in the most blissed state possible to a human being: ignorance. They do not suffer from TMI. Could they be any better off?)
http://extremosdoassunto.blogspot.com/2009/09/tmi.html

Going down P.A.G. Street is another empty moment, now that J.'s gone. And for me, back then, he was the most important one among them all. (No idea where he is now, he's been to so many places already, in such a little time. But word is he's okay).

And whenever I picture the house I grew up in, the first thing I see is the garage - cute with its red tiles, open and spacious. That was R.'s favorite dwelling. I had only to show up at the other side of the white gate for him to come running like a lightning, all the way from the back of the house, along the garage and straight into my arms, completely dirtying the white t-shirt of my uniform. M. won't open those double doors ever again at the first sound of D.'s car - cus D. does not drive that old piece of junk anymore, and does not park his current one there either (and none of us will ever be quite as okay. Excpet for R., I'm sure he's alright; after all, "All Dogs Go to Heaven").

I wonder where all those people have gone.